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2023 Nov 25 - On death, alcohol, cannabis, and sharing
I had a dream last night. I bought an apartment in Victoria and I was showing it to my mom. She was so happy and loved that I had moved back to BC. I woke up feeling heavy and didn't get out of bed until 1030, which I only do if I've worked late. Usually I am up at 8, maybe 830.
That feeling has followed me throughout the day. It's been quite melancholy. Since the beginning of October I've felt like I've been stuck in a state of purgatory. Caught between the hardest and most amazing, insightful thing I've ever done and the next chapter of my life. I would be lying if I didn't say it has been a constant battle to keep my morale high. Some days I can't stop smiling, but other days I find myself retreating to my own mind and stifling interactions with others.
Today, one of my friends was struggling. She lost someone important to her a year ago. She made a post. It was short and simple, but it struck me. She said, "I will never be the same" and I couldn't help but think that maybe that's okay. The journey is never linear and is never straightforward.
There's a Korean saying that I quite like, "Life is mountain." And climbing a mountain, it is rarely straight up. Sometimes you need to descend a little bit before you can rise higher. Life is like that. If we don't take the down's, we won't be able to get higher. Don't fall for the fallacy of the first peak - go for the real summit, even if that's a difficult path.
-----
Recently I've made some changes.
I stopped drinking alcohol. There are a few reasons for this. I've had a fairly normal relationship with alcohol over the years, but I have seen some people go off the deep end and go into rehab. I lost a friend because of his negative relationship with it. I've seen people do very stupid things because they're drunk and not exercising proper judgement. Most people aren't that bad, but I find societally alcohol doesn't offer a lot of positives.
I don't judge people for drinking. It's fun. People can enjoy the taste of a beer, wine, or whatever they fancy. I've never really enjoyed the taste of beer, wine, and most liquors. Towards the end of my cycle tour, I was listening to some podcasts and reading about the effects of alcohol on the body, and I started to think, "Why am I drinking this?" I don't really like the taste. It doesn't make me feel better. It's expensive. I didn't see any benefit.
So I stopped. It was relatively easy to make the decision that I wouldn't drink anymore. It's been about two months now, and I've been to a few get togethers and haven't felt the urge to drink any.
-----
My relationship with cannabis has been different. I've consumed it almost daily for countless years. There have been times where I haven't had access to any, like when I've travelled, but when I returned home I would always resume my old habits. Cannabis may not be addictive, but there has been a habitual reinforcement that has made my previous attempts unsuccessful.
I've long thought that I smoke too much and too often. Sometimes I feel stronger about it, sometimes less. There is no way that smoking anything is healthy, at least as far as your lungs are concerned. The crud that I've been coughing up is a testament to that, though I don't doubt that there can be medical applications of THC and/or CBD.
This decision has been a long time coming. The last time I seriously tried to quit was in late 2021. I forget how long I abstained for, maybe a couple months, but I had some negative interactions with some Freedom Convoy members in early 2022 while cycling to work which made me snap, and that was that. This year, I thought about quitting at the beginning of my bike tour, but that didn't happen either. I ended up smoking more than usual. Multiple multiple (two times multiple!) times a day - when I woke up, with food, on my breaks, before bed, on and on. I came home and I slowed down a bit, but it was still frequent enough that I felt like it was a problem.
Then I got sick. It was very uncomfortable to smoke. I would cough like someone whose lungs were fried and destroyed, and it felt like my lungs were fried and destroyed. It was the wake up call I needed, I think. When I was packing various things in preparation to move, I threw everything into the garbage. That was a week and a half ago. I smoked once since, with a friend.
I've hesitated to share my thoughts and views on this for a long time. Partially because of shame. Guilt. The usual reasons addicts don't talk about how much, how often, or how serious the problem is. The thing is, I was always a very high-functioning stoner. I could go to work, interact with people, go about my daily life, and function without any problems. Maybe there were problems, and I didn't notice them? They weren't bad enough that my professional life was impacted, my relationships weren't impacted.
I was working at Rogers Place a few weeks ago and talking to one of the other guys there, Brad. I like Brad. He stopped a little bit before I did, and we relate on a number of things. It was another little kick in what I feel like is the right direction.
I've always enjoyed smoking more than alcohol. It's never left me with the same negative feeling. Maybe I'll do it on occasion, like when a friend has a joint? The social aspect was something I always enjoyed, but for so long it's been something I do alone. I doddle off to the garage to take a few hoots by myself.
-----
I could write at length about other thoughts I've had. Thoughts regarding aging or health, but this is long enough already, and for a platform that typically features memes and short-form writings, I would be surprised if many people make it this far. But this writing isn't for other people - it's for me.
I think it's incredibly powerful to write and share your deep thoughts. Don't hold back. Don't worry if people will judge you. If they do, it's more a testament to their character (or lack thereof) than yours. It takes courage and bravery to do, but it is worthwhile. Six months ago I didn't know what people would think when I shared some of my personal thoughts, but I've been humbled by the responses. I am incredibly grateful for the support people have given and the words of praise they have given me for being so honest about them.
The more I do it, the easier it gets. It's a skill like any other we develop. Start writing. Start communicating. Put yourself out there and the world will return the energy in ways you never could have imagined.
Others have given me words of encouragement, support, and insights that have been some of the most impactful things over the past half a year. My biggest inspiration is other people.
Thanks for listening to my Ted talk. It's been a long ramble. I love you and goodnight.
That feeling has followed me throughout the day. It's been quite melancholy. Since the beginning of October I've felt like I've been stuck in a state of purgatory. Caught between the hardest and most amazing, insightful thing I've ever done and the next chapter of my life. I would be lying if I didn't say it has been a constant battle to keep my morale high. Some days I can't stop smiling, but other days I find myself retreating to my own mind and stifling interactions with others.
Today, one of my friends was struggling. She lost someone important to her a year ago. She made a post. It was short and simple, but it struck me. She said, "I will never be the same" and I couldn't help but think that maybe that's okay. The journey is never linear and is never straightforward.
There's a Korean saying that I quite like, "Life is mountain." And climbing a mountain, it is rarely straight up. Sometimes you need to descend a little bit before you can rise higher. Life is like that. If we don't take the down's, we won't be able to get higher. Don't fall for the fallacy of the first peak - go for the real summit, even if that's a difficult path.
-----
Recently I've made some changes.
I stopped drinking alcohol. There are a few reasons for this. I've had a fairly normal relationship with alcohol over the years, but I have seen some people go off the deep end and go into rehab. I lost a friend because of his negative relationship with it. I've seen people do very stupid things because they're drunk and not exercising proper judgement. Most people aren't that bad, but I find societally alcohol doesn't offer a lot of positives.
I don't judge people for drinking. It's fun. People can enjoy the taste of a beer, wine, or whatever they fancy. I've never really enjoyed the taste of beer, wine, and most liquors. Towards the end of my cycle tour, I was listening to some podcasts and reading about the effects of alcohol on the body, and I started to think, "Why am I drinking this?" I don't really like the taste. It doesn't make me feel better. It's expensive. I didn't see any benefit.
So I stopped. It was relatively easy to make the decision that I wouldn't drink anymore. It's been about two months now, and I've been to a few get togethers and haven't felt the urge to drink any.
-----
My relationship with cannabis has been different. I've consumed it almost daily for countless years. There have been times where I haven't had access to any, like when I've travelled, but when I returned home I would always resume my old habits. Cannabis may not be addictive, but there has been a habitual reinforcement that has made my previous attempts unsuccessful.
I've long thought that I smoke too much and too often. Sometimes I feel stronger about it, sometimes less. There is no way that smoking anything is healthy, at least as far as your lungs are concerned. The crud that I've been coughing up is a testament to that, though I don't doubt that there can be medical applications of THC and/or CBD.
This decision has been a long time coming. The last time I seriously tried to quit was in late 2021. I forget how long I abstained for, maybe a couple months, but I had some negative interactions with some Freedom Convoy members in early 2022 while cycling to work which made me snap, and that was that. This year, I thought about quitting at the beginning of my bike tour, but that didn't happen either. I ended up smoking more than usual. Multiple multiple (two times multiple!) times a day - when I woke up, with food, on my breaks, before bed, on and on. I came home and I slowed down a bit, but it was still frequent enough that I felt like it was a problem.
Then I got sick. It was very uncomfortable to smoke. I would cough like someone whose lungs were fried and destroyed, and it felt like my lungs were fried and destroyed. It was the wake up call I needed, I think. When I was packing various things in preparation to move, I threw everything into the garbage. That was a week and a half ago. I smoked once since, with a friend.
I've hesitated to share my thoughts and views on this for a long time. Partially because of shame. Guilt. The usual reasons addicts don't talk about how much, how often, or how serious the problem is. The thing is, I was always a very high-functioning stoner. I could go to work, interact with people, go about my daily life, and function without any problems. Maybe there were problems, and I didn't notice them? They weren't bad enough that my professional life was impacted, my relationships weren't impacted.
I was working at Rogers Place a few weeks ago and talking to one of the other guys there, Brad. I like Brad. He stopped a little bit before I did, and we relate on a number of things. It was another little kick in what I feel like is the right direction.
I've always enjoyed smoking more than alcohol. It's never left me with the same negative feeling. Maybe I'll do it on occasion, like when a friend has a joint? The social aspect was something I always enjoyed, but for so long it's been something I do alone. I doddle off to the garage to take a few hoots by myself.
-----
I could write at length about other thoughts I've had. Thoughts regarding aging or health, but this is long enough already, and for a platform that typically features memes and short-form writings, I would be surprised if many people make it this far. But this writing isn't for other people - it's for me.
I think it's incredibly powerful to write and share your deep thoughts. Don't hold back. Don't worry if people will judge you. If they do, it's more a testament to their character (or lack thereof) than yours. It takes courage and bravery to do, but it is worthwhile. Six months ago I didn't know what people would think when I shared some of my personal thoughts, but I've been humbled by the responses. I am incredibly grateful for the support people have given and the words of praise they have given me for being so honest about them.
The more I do it, the easier it gets. It's a skill like any other we develop. Start writing. Start communicating. Put yourself out there and the world will return the energy in ways you never could have imagined.
Others have given me words of encouragement, support, and insights that have been some of the most impactful things over the past half a year. My biggest inspiration is other people.
Thanks for listening to my Ted talk. It's been a long ramble. I love you and goodnight.
Hi, I'm Jayden!
I specialize in photographing concerts and events, but also love to shoot sports, headshots, portraits, products, and weddings. Each of these genres offers me unique and enjoyable challenge. My work has been included in marketing for clients such as Sennheiser microphones, Attack Drumheads, and EnergyOne. I'm grateful to be able to connect with diverse audiences from a variety of backgrounds. |
Based in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, I enjoy travelling worldwide to play music, take photos, and for leisure. I enjoy rock climbing, riding my bicycle, and learning new things. In 2023, I rode my bicycle 10,500km across Canada from Vancouver to Cape Spear.